THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Birth Control Pill turns 50; doesn’t need to take itself anymore

Posted by oldancestor on May 10, 2010

PILL’S ONE BIG REGRET: NOT HAVING KIDS

 

By Eric J Baker

The Pill, 50, relaxes at home. A big, very empty home.

This week marks the 50th anniversary of the birth control pill, which was first made available to the public in 1960. Despite having caused untold confusion over the years (it doesn’t do anything to control birth; it prevents pregnancy), women have been ingesting the little, round violators-of-God’s-will like Hershey’s Kisses since the day they hit the pharmacist’s shelf.

But while the Pill has brought joy to millions of fornicators around the world, it admits to feelings of emptiness.

“I’m fifty and wealthy beyond my wildest dreams,” says the Pill. “But it’s too late to have children now, and that leaves me hollow inside. I suppose I could adopt.”

Does a menopausal birth control pill lose some of its efficacy? We posed that question to pharmaceutical research scientist Seth Brundle, who was strangely evasive with his answer.

“What are you, freaking retarded?” he asked. “That doesn’t even make sense.”

Brundle’s reaction isn’t the only mystery surrounding the anniversary. Trojan Inc, the world’s bestselling brand of condoms, has formed an unlikely partnership in its efforts to undermine the success of the Pill: It’s now working alongside the Catholic Church.

“Yeah, the Pill’s great,” says Trojan spokesperson Hector Johnson. “Great if your name is ‘Gonorrhea.’”

When asked if the company will ever produce that elusive breakthrough condom that doesn’t feel like a slimy rubber sock choking off one’s manhood, Mr. Johnson said, “Like you’d know.”

“It’s not a strange as you think,” says Pope Benedict X of the alliance. “Our guy makes women from ribs, and their guy makes condoms WITH ribs! Ha. I’ll be here all week.”

After allowing crickets to chirp for a comedically appropriate length of time, the Pope said, “Seriously. Sex is disgusting and evil and you should be ashamed of yourselves for even thinking of it. You’re all going to Hell.”

If condoms have made life difficult for STDs, what of the Pill’s impact on honest, hard-working sperm?

“Do you know what it’s like to wake up thinking it’s Christmas morning, only to run downstairs and find out you slept through the whole thing? And your Jewish?” asks a spermatozoon calling himself “Burt.”

He went on to say, “Does that analogy even make sense? I’m operating on half a tank of DNA here, so sometimes I get a little confused.”

Those in the medical profession can’t help but continuing to open their yaps on the subject.

“Why is everyone making something out of nothing,” asks that pharma-jerk Dr. Brundle, who’s clearly insane or, at the very least, unethical.

“Sure, some women don’t respond well to birth control pills because it’s a medication and not all medications are right for all people,” he blathered. “But there are a lot of benefits to most women who take it. For example, it may help clear acne and often lessens the discomfort and intensity of the menstru-”

[Both the writer and I agree no one wants to know about ‘female trouble,’ so we’re cutting it here – Ed.]

2 Responses to “Birth Control Pill turns 50; doesn’t need to take itself anymore”

  1. art vandolay said

    According to Pope Benedict’ theory- I should have gone to hell last night-twice.

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