THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Editorial: It’s time to embrace Global Warning

Posted by oldancestor on May 7, 2010

AL GORE CAN SUCK IT

 

By Lennie

Al Gore thinks he's hiding in Canada, but it's only a MAP of Canada. Duh.

World, wake up. While we all squabble over petty issues like wars, joblessness, and, most ridiculously, the environment (What is an environment anyway? Can you tell me what one is shaped like or what color it is? Didn’t think so), a giant rock is floating out there in space somewhere with Earth’s name on it.

Note: I don’t mean the asteroid is called “Earth.” That would be dumb. And confusing.

When that rock hits, it will make… something really big that happened seem insignificant by comparison. Remember the movie Armageddon? Imagine that, only (SPOILER ALERT) the good guys don’t destroy the asteroid at the end. It. Destroys. Us.

Yet, somehow, most of the world’s scientists are against Global Warning! That makes science the lamest thing ever. In fact, they warn us about it. If that’s not irony, I don’t know what is.

Note: Is it irony? I’m seriously asking, because I’m not sure.

My uncle Moe says there is a 114% chance the Earth will be struck by an asteroid sometime in the next 100 years, because they hit us once every 65 million years, and that’s exactly how long ago the dinosaurs were killed by the last one. But Uncle Moe isn’t a scientist, so we shouldn’t listen to him and just let the asteroid hit us. Right?

Sure, Global Warning will be expensive (at least a hundred bucks), but think of the benefits. Obviously, if the whole world knows an asteroid is coming, we can band together and build a giant missile to shoot it down before it’s too late. Hell, you can have the parts from my Chevy if that’ll help (the one in the barn, the ‘79 Nova, not my Cobalt).

Some may think this far fetched, but I saw a movie once (Invasion of the Astro Monster) about a planet, called X (really, it was called X. That’s not a placeholder I forgot to take out), that was right behind Jupiter, but we couldn’t see it because Jupiter is so big. Though, to tell the truth, Jupiter doesn’t look that big in photographs. Maybe if they had someone stand next to it… Anyway, the seemingly friendly aliens from X ended up invading Earth. Wouldn’t Global Warning give us a fighting chance at least?

I tried to contact former presidential candidate Al Gore, public enemy number one, and offer him the chance to write a counterpoint but, not surprisingly, he did not take my call (because he’s chickenpoop).

Anyway, write your local senator and demand Global Warning today!

Opinionoid: Asteroids travel at 10 times the speed of light, obliterating everything in their paths

Opinionoid: The cost of Global Warning is easily offset if you do some math

Opinionoid: The moon is there to block asteroids, and it’s done a pretty damn good job so far, don’t you think? Look at all the craters. That could have been your face.

Note: My editor tells me that it’s called Global Warming, but I told him there’s no such thing. He said he was going to run my editorial anyway, to show the world what a idoit I am. Well, who’s the idoit now, boss?

About the writer: Lennie is a moron who runs a one-man commercial dandelion farm and waits for the postal truck to come every day so he can ask for a free rubber band.

2 Responses to “Editorial: It’s time to embrace Global Warning”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    That would be cool if the asteroid would be called, “Earth: The Sequel” or “Htrae, The Bizzaro Asteriod.” It would be an epic battle and who will win? USA will totally win. We always do. USA! USA!

    I think the scientists should create the world’s largest trampoline. That way when the asteroid comes to Earth and hits the trampoline, it wil bounce right back into the galaxy. Far, far away. Unless it hits the trampoline and falls to the side of it (like the classic trampoline clips of America’s Funniest Home Videos), then it will probably take out parts of Africa. Ethiopia would get the brunt of the asteroid and really, it’s only Ethiopia. Big whoop!

  2. The TRampoline Asteroid Repellent program (TRAR) is scientifically impossible! Are you a lobbyist for Trampoline industry? Lady and the Trampoline, if I may be so bold.

    No. Far more practical than TRAR is the Tennis Racket Asteroid Response project (also, unfortunately, called TRAR), for which a 10,000 mile high robot arm holding a 5000-mile-wide tennis racket will be installed in the pacific ocean to bat away any jagoff space rock that decides to mess with the wrong planet. Write your congressperson!

    About the poster: old ancestor is a news journal editor and lobbyist for Wilson Brand Tennis Rackets

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