Transmissions from the alternate universe

Obama’s new jobs plan: Unemployed to be frozen, thawed when economy improves

Posted by oldancestor on May 6, 2010



By Eric J Baker


NASA astronauts prepare to turn asteroid into Space Ark

WASHINGTON – At a White House press briefing this morning, President Obama announced a new plan to help out-of-work Americans get by until the economy improves: He’s calling for the unemployed to be cryogenically frozen and awakened only when suitable jobs become available. The program will be run on a first-frozen/first-thawed basis and is expected to be paid for with leftover TARP funds.

“Thanks to advances in science,” the President said, “Americans now have more job flexibility than ever before.”

The Department of Labor (DOL) estimates most people will only be ‘on ice’ for six months to two years. According to DOL spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel, “Many of you won’t even miss the Super Bowl.” Though, she later added, “People should probably set their DVR just in case.”

Those formerly employed in manufacturing and technology jobs that have been outsourced to Asia face the longest freeze times. Economists expect such individuals will be activated around 2085, when the US is due to become a third-world country and India and China have to outsource those jobs back here.

The President’s announcement was met with immediate backlash.

“Why don’t they freeze up all them Meskins that’s takin’ the good jobs?” asked Skeeter Bandy, 37, at a political rally for arch-conservative radio host and congressional candidate Jock Bloat. “And you might as well do all the faygs while yer at it.”

“I find Mr. Bandy’s comments reprehensible,” said candidate Bloat as he accepted Mr. Bandy’s campaign donation. “I want all the Mexicans and gays to know I value their vote as well, even if God hates them.”

It could not be independently confirmed if Bloat is authorized to speak on behalf of a deity.

The technology of cryogenics has come a long way in the past three hundred years. The original chambers were about the size of a bus and featured glass lids. Early experiments often met with tragedy, as chambers were placed in caves and frequently destroyed by falling stalactites. Also, with cave temperatures not nearly cold enough to freeze a human being, those participants who weren’t killed often suffered from extreme boredom.

Today’s unemployed Americans can look forward to much more streamlined, comfortable units.

“You just press the green button,” said scientist and designer Ron Popeil, demonstrating the pill-shaped device to reporters, who cheered. “As soon as you hear a ‘thwunk’ the person is frozen. To thaw, just press it again!”

Recently revived businessman Walter Disney had nothing but positive things to say.

“Never felt better,” he said before commencing his stoutness exercises.

A second phase of Obama’s plan, which some feel was added to win Republican support in Congress, involves the hollowing of an asteroid to make room for thousands of cryogenic chambers. The massive rock will then be outfitted with ion engines and launched into deep space in the hopes that its onboard ‘sleepers’ can find jobs on another planet.

As practical and plausible as this project may seem, there is a problem.

“We have plenty of money to buy all the freezing chambers and prepare the asteroid,” says NASA engineer Roopvhan Arpawashowani, “but we have no one to do the work. It’s a shame, because it’s easy and pays well.”

Even earthbound cryogenics programs are hitting a snag: A shortage of workers to build and operate the equipment.

“Sometimes there’s just no answer,” admits Arpawashowani.

2 Responses to “Obama’s new jobs plan: Unemployed to be frozen, thawed when economy improves”

  1. Tracy said

    I love this!

  2. Sure, you HAVE a job!

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