THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Domestic annoyist attempts to stink up Times Square with fertilizer

Posted by oldancestor on May 5, 2010

GOVERNMENT ANNOUNCES NEW WARNING SYSTEM

 

By Eric J Baker

 

New York, site of the attempted attack, is bigger than this map suggests

NEW YORK – FBI agents thwarted an annoyist attack in Manhattan yesterday, arresting a man just as he was about to dump a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer onto the sidewalk. If the attempt had been successful, hundreds or even thousands of pedestrians would have grimaced, or worse.

The man, identified by the FBI as 40-year-old Muslim-Catholic F. Azziz-O’Rourke of Jersey City, is thought to have acted alone. Local authorities became suspicious and called in federal agents when they noticed a farm tractor hauling a wagon southbound on Seventh Avenue. The cargo was initially thought to be a bomb made from fertilizer but turned out to be just fertilizer.

“I was terrified,” said Park Avenue resident Courtney Rockefeller-Trump, who witnessed the arrest. “My sweater is cashmere. What if some of that [expletive] had gotten on it?”

Several bystanders quoted an NYPD officer at the scene saying, “There’s nothing to see here,” and “move along.”

Neighbors in Azziz-O’Rourke’s apartment feigned disinterest when questioned, though many were likely hiding deep feelings of shock and vulnerability. He was a man most of them trusted around their children, possibly.

“Azziz? Who the hell is that?” said a man in the next-door apartment who declined to give his name. When shown a photograph, he insisted on continuing the charade. “Nope.”

Neighbor Mira Goldstein remembers a chilling encounter with the would-be annoyist.

“That’s the [expletive] who took my laundry out of the washer downstairs and left it on a dirty table,” she said, adding, “I hope they hang him.”

In an eerie coincidence, the federal government chose yesterday to unveil to reporters its latest public alert system, which is meant to replace the previous color-coded warnings implemented following the September 11, 2001 terrorist attacks. Americans may recall the threat level often became stuck on Orange (elevated), particularly around election time.

“People complained that the color coding didn’t really provide any practical value,” said Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano at the press conference. “This time, we’re offering recommendations.”

An image of the chart taken with a Hardy Boys’ Super Neato Spy Camera appears below.

Not-at-all illegally obtained copy of new "threat" chart.

When pressed for further information, Secretary Napolitano admitted her department created the new alert system in order to continue receiving funding for new alert systems.

“If you actually try to improve efficiency and spend less money in Washington, they run you out of town,” she said moments before removing a flask from her purse and taking a swig of what can only be assumed was ‘Keep-America-Safe’ juice.

2 Responses to “Domestic annoyist attempts to stink up Times Square with fertilizer”

  1. jeanie said

    I dated this guy when were in High school ( Our Lady of the Sacred Mohammed). Azziz, if your reading this…. I want my mix tape back!

  2. I have some bad news for you. I talked to one of my contacts at police headquarters, and she told me investigators found your cassette while conducting a search of Azziz’s apartment. It seems he taped over your reggae mix with Phil Collins’ greatest hits.

    I’m sorry.

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