THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Study shows tinfoil hats DO protect against government conspiracies

Posted by oldancestor on May 4, 2010

REYNOLD’S WRAP SALES SKYROCKET

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Former Vice President Dick Cheney behind bars

PRINCETON – It turns out that hats constructed of tinfoil do indeed help wearers avoid being fooled by government conspiracies, according to a Princeton University study published in the American Journal of Science this week. There had long been anecdotal evidence to suggest as much, but this is the first hard scientific data that appears to confirm the belief.

In the study, researchers had volunteers do some stuff while grad students wrote it down and compared things. The results were startling.  

“We tried many variations, and we found the most effective barrier against secret mind-control waves is two layers of tinfoil with a thin, even spread of mayonnaise between,” said Dr. Herbert West, the lead researcher. “Any thicker and the wearer’s own psychic energy cannot evaporate properly, sometimes leading to schizophrenic-like behavior.”

Reaction on fake college campuses was mixed.

“How do we know it’s not a trick?” said Pinky Middleton, a University of Phoenix Online junior majoring in abnormal psychology. “How can WE trust THEM when THEY’RE the ones controlling the message? I wouldn’t be surprised if the tinfoil actually acts as a conductor, turning the wearer into a soulless automaton ready to do the bloodthirsty bidding of malevolent government overlords.”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when voices told him we were eleven demons named William Howard Taft. However, he was willing to write a note stating the rest of his answer will appear in his manifesto. The 21-year-old then began wrapping himself in Glad Press ‘n Seal.

In contrast, London-based author and anthropologist Mr. Gruber was encouraged by the study’s findings.

“This will make an excellent addition to my book, The World and its Wonders,” he said.

But will the recent discovery resonate beyond the stately lecture halls and grassy fields of academe? Some think it already has.

Two Washington lawmakers, Barney Palpatine (R-AZ) and Todd Maul (D-CA) have formed a bipartisan group called Senators in Tinfoil Hats (SiTH) and say they plan to create a clone army restore order to the US Senate. 

“@&^$*# tinfoil!” said former Vice President Dick Cheney, who’s currently serving a 35-year sentence at Maryland State Penitentiary for masterminding the September 11th, 2001 bombing of the Pentagon.

“We were this close to getting away with it, but that twerp Middleton with his tinfoil hat had to rat us out.”

Americans may recall that then Vice-President Cheney detonated a bomb at the Pentagon but accused foreign terrorists of crashing a plane into the building. Despite no photographic evidence, most were fooled until a small number of tinfoil-hat proponents came forward to challenge the official explanation. President George W. Bush endured a very public humiliation at the time, as he had previously claimed the accusations against Cheney were part of a “vast left-wing conspiracy.”

“Tinfoil has a great many applications beyond preventing brainwashing,” affirms Dr. West at Princeton, who also serves on the board of directors for Reynolds Wrap Inc, though he promises it’s not a conflict of interest. “For example, if you cover your head in about ten layers of the stuff during a solar eclipse, you won’t suffer ocular damage. Don’t forget the air hole, though.”   

Researchers plan a follow-up study to determine if tinfoil hats cause wearers to misspell words on protest signs.

2 Responses to “Study shows tinfoil hats DO protect against government conspiracies”

  1. art vandolay said

    NO no no-it’s another government conspiracy..can’t you see? Everyone knows you NEVER use mayonnaise. That completely compromises the tin foils properties and actually enhances the flow of mind control waves.

  2. That’s a good point, because… hey, wait a minute. How do I know you’re not a government spy trying to trick me?

    Hold on… I’m totally freaking out right now. How do I know I’M not a government spy who was programmed at birth to be a ‘sleeper,’ only to be activated at a predetermined place and time by some weird signal, like during the season finale of Lost or something?

    Maybe the people reading this are sleeper spies too, and something I’m writing is going to acivate you!

    Everyone, cover yourselves in mud, like Arnold did in Predator! Use organic mud though, just to be sure.

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