Transmissions from the alternate universe

Arizona passes harsh ‘anti-harsh law’ law

Posted by oldancestor on May 3, 2010



By Eric J Baker


PHOENIX – In response to recent controversy over the state’s harsh anti-immigration law, Arizona lawmakers have passed tough new legislation that prevents further passage of tough new legislation in the state.

“This ought to put a stop to the nonsense,” said Governor Jan Brewer at a press conference in Phoenix yesterday. “Any state legislator who tries to make Arizona look intolerant and fascistic to the rest of the country will be taken outside and shot in the back of the head, no questions asked.”

However, a provision of the law allows for the accused party to challenge his accuser to a gun duel in the streets.

Proponents are hailing the return of frontier justice.

Said Tombstone Mayor Ashleigh Clanton, “Arizona was founded on people killing people without due process, and it’s high time we got back to that.”

Invoking executive privilege, Clanton ordered the city’s streets unpaved and the police to abandon DNA testing and computer databases in favor of tacking up wanted posters. Local officials who had hoped to overturn the ruling were killed by Clanton’s gang in a gunfight at the OK Corral late last night.

An eyewitness from Florida, believing the shootout was a tourist attraction, said, “The animatronics were ‘meh.’”

In Washington, President Obama praised Arizona’s newest new legislation.

“The only way to defeat a draconian law is with an even bigger draconian law,” said the President. “Somehow, out of all this mess, I hope, someone, somewhere, will benefit. A regular person, though. Not a big, greedy bank.”

Arizona Senator John McCain called his own press conference for noon yesterday, showing up in the early evening after driving around lost and befuddled for several hours, convinced he was going to a convenience store to buy milk.

“My friends, enacting laws on top of laws on top of laws isn’t going to solve the problems of illegal immigration,” said the Republican Senator, who has stoked controversy many times in his political career for taking stances unpopular with conservative voters.

He went on to say, “It’s the Japs. You don’t know which ones you can trust. We’ve got to round them up so we can keep an eye on them.”

After the senator shouted “incoming,” and dove under the stage, McCain’s daughter Meghan stepped to the podium and answered questions. Several male reporters in the room were believed to have thought, va voom!

“I think Senator McCain is right,” said Arizona resident and third-generation Hispanic-American John Ramirez. “It’s the Japs.”

As violence spilled onto the streets of Arizona cities and hundreds were killed in shootouts, the entertainment industry was quick to sit up and take notice. Production is already underway on volumes one through three of the DVD series Girls Gone Violent, which will feature drunken college girls engaging in gun duels while topless.

Tom Bergeron, host of the hit reality television show America’s Funniest Legislation said, “Keep passing those laws, Arizona. You could win ten or even a hundred-thousand dollars!”         

In international news, Mexican lawmakers have proposed building a security fence along the border between Mexico and Arizona to block the expected flood of refugees.

2 Responses to “Arizona passes harsh ‘anti-harsh law’ law”

  1. Jose Canusee said

    Recently announced: Arizona Diamondbacks players Juan Gutierrez, Rodrigo Lopez, Cesar Valdez, Esmerling Vasquez, Tony Abreu, and Augie Ojeda are now only allowed to play on road trips.

  2. Wait until they find out how many Canadians play on the Phoenix Coyotes.

    Damn foreigners stealing jobs!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: