Transmissions from the alternate universe

Free oil a gift from the ocean gods

Posted by oldancestor on May 1, 2010



By Eric J Baker


GULF OF MEXICO – The Gods are angry at OPEC.

What else can explain the sudden appearance of free oil in the Gulf of Mexico? Thousands of gallons of “black gold” have been bubbling up from the depths for days and, in a further boon to America’s budding energy independence, it is likely to deliver itself right to our shores.

The influx of oil should not only save Americans money at the pump this summer, but, as tax payers, we will all benefit from government cutbacks in now-unnecessary offshore drilling programs.

Economists predict thousands of jobs are likely to be created, given the current shortage of professional bird washers. Manufacturers of sea-animal scrubbing kits are already upping production and anticipate a profitable second quarter.

The Obama administration took these events as a sign America is on the right track. White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters yesterday, “Thanks to the President’s temple-building and statue-carving initiatives, not only are more Americans back at work, but the sea gods are happy, obviously.”

President Obama is now expected to focus on appeasing the sun gods. A successful effort there should help jump start the administration’s oft-delayed solar-energy program. 

For once, former Alaska governor Sarah Palin was supportive of the President. She has long been a proponent of bizarre, cultish rituals.

“Kill, baby kill!” Palin told cheering supporters at an animal-sacrifice event today. The best-selling author opened festivities by cutting the throat of an ox to show those present that we all share responsibility in civic affairs.

Despite the apparent windfall, some Americans are sounding a warning siren.

“This sets the country down a potentially dangerous path,” says Pinky Middleton, spokesperson for Americans United, an organization that advocates the separation of church and state. “When you suck up to one god, you run the risk of pissing off another.”

“C’ maaahn,” responds Bill O’Reilly, host of the popular TV show The O’Reilly Factor on Fox News. “The guy’s a pinhead.”

O’Reilly adds, “If what [Middleton] said were true, why are the snow gods giving us free giant ice-cubes? It looks like some of them are trying to appease us.”

It is believed he was referring to the breaking up of polar ice caps, which has freed huge chunks of frozen freshwater long imprisoned in the arctic and well beyond the reach of ordinary iced-tea drinkers. Until now.

With the oil supply in the Gulf of Mexico now rivaling that of the Persian Gulf, residents near the world’s other, less popular gulfs are scrambling to win heavenly favor by sacrificing first-born children and burning giant wicker men. In extreme cases, some are even searching for less-crappy gods. Books on Greek and Roman mythology are flying off the shelves at Gulf of Thailand bookstores, and India’s Prime Minister Manmohan Singh has gone so far as to propose renaming the Bay of Bengal the Gulf of Bengal.

“We have the gods,” a confident Singh told reporters in Mumbai yesterday. “We just need the gulf.”

For now, the Obama administration is not concerned with any of that, as they face a graver threat at home: A sea-faring terrorist organization calling itself “The Coast Guard” has threatened to set the oil on fire if their demands for knee socks aren’t met.

The president has suggested a compromise, granting temporary, limited amnesty that allows the white-clad pirates ashore to shop for socks at Wal-Mart.

2 Responses to “Free oil a gift from the ocean gods”

  1. Guy Incognito said

    What does it say about me that when I read the kill baby kill line, I thought not of Palin’s drilling quote , but rather the Bava movie?

  2. I tried to bend the quote so she could somehow say,”Five Dolls for an August Moon,” but I failed miserably.

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