Transmissions from the alternate universe

NASA drops giant cake, 1 killed

Posted by oldancestor on April 30, 2010



By Eric J Baker


HOUSTON – NASA suffered its second catastrophic dropping accident in less than a week when a balloon carrying a massive cake malfunctioned this morning, sending the confection plunging 300 feet to its destruction in a Houston parking lot.

An unidentified taxpayer on the ground was killed.

In an ironic twist, the cake (which will be featured on an upcoming episode of G4 TV’s reality show Cakes That Don’t Suck), was meant to commemorate NASA’s new cost-saving space-balloon program. Designed to resemble the balloon that carried it, the cake cost an estimated twenty million dollars or, in NASA terms, about the price of launching a rocket instead of a balloon.

“I’m devastated,” said NASA program manager Falker Satherhood. “I really wanted a piece of cake.”

Satherhood, who claims to not “give a crap” about high-tech balloons, NASA programs, or space in general, spent months irritating cake designers with his vapid ideas.

“You know what would make me happy?” he said, raising his voice so that grieving project team members were unable to pretend they didn’t hear. “If someone made me a cake just once. Hint Hint.”

The mood at NASA headquarters was somber, but one employee was able to soldier on in the face of tragedy.

“Oh, for Christ’s sake,” said technician Pinky Middleton, “The thing was covered with fondant icing. That stuff is [expletive deleted] nasty.”

Middleton added, “Don’t we all have a giant screen to look at somewhere?”

The incident has some questioning why NASA chose to transport the fragile cake by balloon rather than van or truck, as is customary in the cake-delivery industry. Given that NASA vehicles often take months or even years to reach their destinations, one wonders why the space agency should be trusted to deliver anything.

President Obama weighed in on the issue at a press conference a few hours ago, responding to a reporter’s question with, “Whatev.”

A visibly angry Satherhood dismissed the President’s comments.

“We all know he likes pie better than cake, so I’m sure the whole thing is a big, funny joke at the White House.”

Americans may remember Obama campaigned for president in 2008 on a promise of “Death to Cakes!” Many voters who had supported him now feel disenchanted, as the administration has become distracted by sideshow issues like health-care and banking reform and high unemployment.

Authorities are searching for the identity of the dead taxpayer, who was killed when the 700-pound cake landed on him.

“He’s all covered with icing,” said NASA’s chief medical examiner Leonard McCoy. “How the hell am I supposed to tell who he is? I’m a doctor, not a confectioner!”

And what about the baker, Burgess Meredith of Sir Cakes-a-Lot Inc, who painstakingly constructed the monstrous dessert by hand? He claims to have seen his cakes destroyed before, usually by a knife, so he harbors no anger toward the space agency that wrecked this one. He attributes the accident to the same youthful enthusiasm that drove man to reach for the stars in the first place.

“Ah, the young,” he says. “Why do they never listen? When will they ever learn?”    

 A similar accident  occurred two days ago at a NASA balloon launch in Australia, but the only loss was a telescope, which are available at Toys R Us according to the clerk who answered a call to the store.

The two malfunctions in rapid succession cast doubt on NASA’s plan to travel to Mars by hot-air balloon in 2030. Many point to a shortage of anti-gravity paint as the source of the space agency’s recent woes.

2 Responses to “NASA drops giant cake, 1 killed”

  1. Alexandria Beaverhousin said

    Oh the huge manatee!!!!!! Well, at least the man died the best way he could…getting smacked in the face with cake. Clowns get smacked in the face with cake AND pie and they seem to make it out alive. Maybe if he went to clown school, he would have been alive today.

  2. On a positive note, the baker used the “better-than-sex” recipe, so it’s likely the unidentified man died happy.

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