THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Earth Day 1 week later: Where’s the Thank You note, Earth?

Posted by oldancestor on April 29, 2010

ENVIRONMENTALISTS SNUBBED!

 

By Eric J Baker

 

Environmentalists around the world are hurt and disappointed a week has passed without so much as an email from the planet acknowledging the effort behind the Earth Day festivities of April 22nd.

The annual world-wide event is often credited with encouraging ordinary citizens to mean well about the environment for as many as two days afterward. Also, thousands of whales are saved from embarrassment each year, as they often promise skeptical relatives they will appear on chintzy T-shirts one day and are finally vindicated.  

“It’s not just us who are mad,” says Greenpeace activist Patchouli Johnson. “Think of all the companies that had to ramp up production of plastic giveaways and the endless silk-screening that had to be done for the nylon tote bags. That represents a lot of hard work.”

This isn’t the first controversy associated with Earth Day.

During the 2003 celebration, Earth proved to be an angry drunk, vomiting on the floor of a portable toilet in Washington D.C. and then punching former Vice President Al Gore, who had rushed to help, according to witnesses. Afterward, the 8000-mile-thick planet collapsed, which resulted in catastrophic worldwide tsunamis and a series of devastating quakes that together killed over 40 million people.

 “We were just starting to get over that clusterf*ck,” Johnson, 24, said as her eyes grew teary, “and now this happens. I don’t know how much more I can take.”

Later, after I took her to a bar and got her sh*tfaced (but not too sh*tfaced, if you know what I mean), Johnson admitted to having shown outward distress and concern over the massive death toll in ’03 but secretly feeling a sick thrill every time the body count was revised upward. “They were mostly people from third-world countries, where life is cheap,” she said before downing her fourth shot of anything-I-put-in-front-of-her. “So, like, whatever.”

Some think the Earth’s message to us already came in the form of the recent volcanic eruption in Iceland, which disrupted air travel throughout much of the western hemisphere. Scientists are divided as to whether our planet is angry or just rude.

Self-described amateur vulcanologist Pinky Middleton would gladly dispense with Earth Day events if he had his way.

“What did the Earth ever do for me?” he says. “Has it gotten me a girlfriend? Has it gotten my braces off? Has it gotten the Deep Space Nine movie greenlit?”

Middleton declined to be interviewed further when he discovered I didn’t want to talk about the planet Vulcan or Star Trek in general but was there to discuss volcanoes, which he knows nothing about.

Some “green” groups have chosen not to get mad but to get even. The militant environmental organization Earth First has officially changed its name to Moon First and is already in the planning stages of counter-event next April to be called (you guessed it) Moon Day. Organizers say they intend to serve whale burgers on Styrofoam plates.

4 Responses to “Earth Day 1 week later: Where’s the Thank You note, Earth?”

  1. Moosey D said

    I’m assuming Moon Day will not be taken literally and will of course take place on the weekend?

    It will also give geeks everywhere the opportunity to quote “Office Space” ad nauseum, i.e., “Looks like someone has a case of the Moon-days…”.

  2. Moon day. Hmm. I’ll bet you can’t guess how I’ll be observing and celebrating it.

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