THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Dictionaries to start including pictures, will use Goldman-Sachs CEO’s face to illustrate “asshat”

Posted by oldancestor on April 28, 2010

IDIOTS WHO MAKE SENSELESS “DICTIONARY PICTURE” JOKES FINALLY VINDICATED

 

By Eric J Baker

 

NEW YORK – In a move that has sent shockwaves through the industrialized world, publishers and mortal enemies Merriam-Webster and Oxford have teamed up to create an all-new type of dictionary that will bring major changes to the way English speakers look up words.

The companies announced at a press conference yesterday they will begin printing dictionaries with pictures in order to enhance the understanding of terms.

“With the rapid degradation of cognitive faculty across all facets of society,” said Oxford president Sir Henry Oxford-Benaventure-Hastings, “we’re compelled to acquiesce to this retrograde progression and will begin incorporating images to abet the intellectually impaired in comprehending heretofore simple words that dare breach the monosyllabic boundary.”

After spouting that and more mumbo jumbo none of us was able to understand, Sir Oxford-Benaventure-Hastings showed reporters a galley copy of the upcoming edition. The consensus among those present was the changes were “nice.”

The publishers admit the initiative was fraught with challenges.

“We asked ourselves, ‘How do we illustrate the word asshat?’” said Miriam Merriam, granddaughter of somebody dead. “Initially we were thinking ‘John Edwards,’ but I did sleep with him a couple times, so that would make running into him at a party even weirder than it already is.”

Merriam-Webster and Oxford finally decided Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein’s image should grace that entry.

“We can’t imagine anyone disagreeing,” said Merriam. “Not even his mother.”

Reporters who rushed to look up “pussy” and “tit” were greeted by the image of a cat and a tiny mirror, respectively.

Though news of the changes sparked rejoicing in the streets, church bells ringing day and night, and the declaration of an international holiday that will dwarf Christmas in popularity, not everyone was pleased.

“This is the final nail in the coffin of dictionary integrity,” laments angry weirdo Pinky Middleton. “It all started with the inclusion of definitions. The root word of ‘dictionary’ is ‘diction,’ which means ‘pronunciation.’ It’s not called a ‘definitionary,’ is it?”

Middleton says he plans to self-immolate tomorrow along with his 1853 first printing of Oxford’s Book of English Diction, Queen Victoria Edition. Flowers can be sent to the Barking Pig Funeral Home in Dorkchester, West Essex, England.

Cleveland, Ohio native Bucky Weederman was more enthused.

“I’ve been joking that pictures of people’s faces are next to things in the dictionary for years,” says Weederman. “Now they won’t be able to say, ‘You freaking dumb-ass, there ARE no pictures in the dictionary.’”

It should be noted they will still be able to punch him in the face.

The 2011 edition of Oxford-Webster’s New International Enhanced Dictionary goes on sale in September. It will be 9000 pages and weigh 55 pounds, and it is expected to carry an MSRP of $499.99 in the United States.

6 Responses to “Dictionaries to start including pictures, will use Goldman-Sachs CEO’s face to illustrate “asshat””

  1. Moosey D said

    “The 2011 edition of Oxford-Webster’s New International Enhanced Dictionary goes on sale in September. It will be 9000 pages and weigh 55 pounds, and it is expected to carry an MSRP of $499.99 in the United States.”

    In a strange bit of irony, the follow-up to OSarah bin Palin’s autobiography will be 55 pages and have 9,000 words, and will also sell for $499.99 to low-information asshats in the United States (she has to keep up the $12 million lifestyle somehow).

  2. I can’t blame her. I do this blog to keep up my $12 lifestyle.

  3. Considering the declining literacy rate in this country I’m surprised this hasn’t happened already. However, I still have to point out the futility of this since Google can now harness brain waves and project 3-D images directly to anyone thinking “wow, I wonder what dumbass me… oh yeah. Thanks Google!”

  4. I wish they’d upload HTML knowledge into my brain so this site wouldn’t look like a white DOS screen.

  5. Justin Credible said

    Finally! Look up relieved now and you’ll find my picture

  6. How come both scenarios I just imagined involve bodily fluid?

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