Transmissions from the alternate universe

Senator McConnell may have called the President “Bizarre”

Posted by oldancestor on April 26, 2010



By Eric J Baker


WASHINGTON – As reported in the Huffington Post yesterday, Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky) used the word “bizarre” in a conversation involving President Obama on the television show Fox News Sunday.

During a call to McConnell’s office made prior to even rudimentary fact-checking, we were told by a nervous, lying staffer, “I’m sure he meant ‘bazaar,’ as in ‘church bazaar.’”

The staffer went on to say, “The senator collects yarn toilet-paper cozies as well as pine-cone-and-felt angels. He especially enjoys their little pipe-cleaner wings.”

The growing scandal was muted somewhat when another of McConnell’s words became available. It turns out the Kentucky senator had said it was unlikely Republicans would filibuster Obama’s Supreme Court nominee to replace retiring Justice John Paul Stevens, unless the President’s choice was “really bizarre.”

At a press conference today, McConnell was asked to clarify who he considered ‘bizarre.’

“Well, Spongebob, perhaps,” said McConnell. “That would be bizarre.”

He is believed to have been referring to Hawaii’s first-circuit-court judge Spongebob Squarepants, who is known for offering lenient punishments and taking a forgiving approach toward repeat offenders. Squarepants was embroiled in controversy last year for commuting the sentence of serial-burglar Sheldon Plankton, who was later rearrested for attempting to rob the same restaurant for the tenth time.

“We will definitely filibuster any activist judge Obama tries to shove down our throats,” McConnell might have said if we’d baited him.

In response to the potential threat, Vice President Biden said, “I’ll filibuster your mother. Doh!”

Michigan Governor Jennifer Granholm, who herself has been talked about as a potential nominee, urged President Obama to consider looking outside the judiciary pool for his eventual candidate. “How about one of the actors on Law and Order? They seem pretty judgy.”

Most Americans don’t care who ends up on the Supreme Court. Although, to be honest, we only asked one person and picked the stupidest looking one at that.

“The Supareem Court? Are they those rifle guys in England that wear the buffalo-lodge hats and red jackets and never laugh?” asks Madge Tool, who readers might recognize from watching sixty-year-old hookers get arrested on Cops.

However small their number, some concerned citizens have very definite ideas about who should get the nod.

Says 19-year-old college sophomore Pinky Middleton, a political science/criminal justice double major who follows current events closely, “Please please please let it be Megan Fox. Dude, how hot would that be?”

The President has repeatedly said he will choose someone with a strong judicial record and expects broad bipartisan support, though sources close to the White House say Obama’s inside favorite to replace Stevens is The Antichrist. While it’s a choice that will likely result in a protracted and sometimes contentious Senate confirmation process, most pundits believe the nomination will eventually go through.

Before Republicans get too comfortable throwing around accusations of bizarrehood (as interpreted by this news organization), they would do well to remember the previous administration’s odd choice of John Roberts, who is actually a hive of nanobots in the shape of a human. Readers may recall that, during the President’s State of the Union address in January, Chief Justice Roberts broke up into a black swarm cloud and attacked a congressional page after Obama suggested the court had acted irresponsibly in a recent decision.

3 Responses to “Senator McConnell may have called the President “Bizarre””

  1. Moosey D said

    “sources close to the White House say Obama’s inside favorite to replace Stevens is The Antichrist”

    Can’t do it. Scalia’s already there.

  2. You can’t be the Antichrist AND be a barnacle on the Antichrist’s butt at the same time, Moose. Don’t you know anything about the judicial branch?

  3. Max Power said

    It should be noted that Judge Squarepants has an extremely harsh stance on littering. See his relentless pursuit and subsequent torment of the Tattle-tale Strangler.

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