THE ANVIL

Transmissions from the alternate universe

Exclusive: Geico ad exec has Multiple Personality Disorder

Posted by oldancestor on April 24, 2010

15 MINUTES OF ELECTRO-SHOCK THERAPY WILL SAVE 15% OF YOUR SANITY

 

By Eric J Baker

 

MARYLAND – Talking amphibians. Stacks of money with eyeballs. Guys in suits staring at the camera and asking questions intoned like a 1940s film-noir detective.

Oh, and Cavemen. Lots and lots and lots of cavemen.

If you’ve watched TV in the past five years, you may have found yourself wondering three things:   

1.) How many companies are called “Geico,” because no sane advertising director would run 300 ad campaigns for the same product, would he?  

2.) If I were going to switch my car insurance to Geico, wouldn’t I have done it by now?   

3.) If it turns out the people on Lost have been dead all this time, how pissed will I be?

Now, it seems, the first question has been answered.

Paul Nutz, Geico’s Director of Advertising, has been diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD). This, coupled with an apparently unlimited budget and absolutely no management oversight, might explain why an estimated seven million Geico commercials run every minute of every day in the United States.

Nutz’s personal physician, Dr. Ed “Too Tall” Jones, who wishes to remain anonymous, says, “I can confirm he suffers from this horrible condition.”

He also says, “Of course, this is totally off the record. If [Geico executives] find out I talked to you, I’ll be killed.”

When we called Nutz’s office in Maryland, a ‘little girl named Gigi’ answered.

“I think little green geckos are soooo cute,” she squeaked. “I love them!”

When pressed for documentation on the ad campaign’s cost-to-return ratio, ‘Gigi’ said, “My mommy says I’m not supposed to talk to strangers.”

Later, when we called Nutz’s office again, ‘Brad’ answered, claiming to be a college freshman studying on a lacrosse scholarship. “Dude, cavemen RAWK!” was all he was willing to say in response to questions about the company’s future marketing plans.

Despite so many high-profile sufferers of Multiple Personality Disorder, including Nutz, all politicians, and most women, little is known about the condition.

“MPD is caused by,” says psychologist Mark Drab, before I turned my recorder off because I was bored.

“You know,” says Geico customer service rep Pinky Middleton on a topic irrelevant to this article, “There’s nothing special or cool or hip about this place. It’s an office building where we sell insurance. That’s it. I promise you there are no funny cavemen running around here.”

Leaning over from the next cubicle, Middleton’s coworker Betty Fingerbang adds, “There are no funny cavemen anywhere.”

One can only assume she was offering a wry comment mocking her company’s humor-starved Caveman ads.

Later, Nutz contacted The Anvil to offer an apology for his behavior.

“I’m sorry about before, with the voices and the personalities,” he said. “Sometimes I forget to take my meds.”

Then, switching to a French accent, he said, “This is inspector Jacques Bordeaux and I am about to reveal the murderer. It’s someone standing IN THIS VERY ROOM!”

‘Bordeaux’ went on to explain Geico’s next commercial, to be run concurrently with the 227 different ones already airing, which will feature a French detective. He also promised a 24-hour all-Geico-commercial cable channel, a new HBO series starring the little pile of money with eyeballs (get ready for those fat royalty checks, Rockwell), and a new 3D blockbuster movie about Geckos selling insurance.

When we attempted to contact Dr. Jones to find out who the real Nutz is, his receptionist said the doctor had gone missing.

4 Responses to “Exclusive: Geico ad exec has Multiple Personality Disorder”

  1. Moosey D said

    Have you noticed in the Geico commercial with Mike Green that the zamboni-driving caveman talks but Caps’ coach Bruce Boudreau doesn’t? I wonder if there’s any hidden message there…

  2. I don’t know, but I think I’d like that commercial better if it featured AO shoving the caveman into the boards to beat a potential icing call, resulting in said caveman having to retire from commercials.

    To Boudreau’s credit, he does give the best performance of the three.

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