Transmissions from the alternate universe

Breaking News: Jobless rate plunges!

Posted by oldancestor on April 16, 2010


By Eric J Baker


WASHINGTON – The over eight million jobs thought lost since the recent recession began in late 2007 have been located, federal officials said today. It is believed a clerical error at the Department of Labor (DOL) resulted in the snafu.

“As of noon today, the national unemployment rate will be adjusted from 9.7 percent to 3.8 percent,” said DOL spokesperson Vernita Biscuitbarrel. “We apologize if this has caused any inconvenience.”

The original figure of 9.7 percent had led to mild concern amongst a small number of federal officials and, to lesser extent, the nation.

Biscuitbarrel also said the staffer responsible for the glitch is no longer employed with the DOL, and, therefore, even the figure of 3.8 percent is somewhat inflated by that staffer now being out of work.

The Obama administration was quick to take credit for the stunning turnaround. “Out-of-work Americans should be encouraged to learn they’ve actually been working all along,” White House Press Secretary Robert Gibbs told reporters. He promised swift, bipartisan action on the part of the President, though he went on to describe the Republican minority in congress as “uncooperative pricks.” 

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) acted quickly, introducing legislation aimed at updating the nation’s resumes to eliminate gaps created by the Labor Department’s clerical error. “Only by establishing a National Department of Resume Management can we ensure fairness for all Americans,” Reid said. A component of the bill, if passed, would require businesses to ignore a person’s qualifications when filling a vacancy. It was not known who will be named to head the 200-billion-dollar federal agency, but sources say it will be someone incompetent.

News of the Labor Department’s mistake stoked anger in an already frustrated populace.

At a rally this afternoon in front of the Capitol Building, protestor Joe Everyman said, “I wouldn’t have lost my house if I’d known I still had a job.” Everyman says he lost his house after he forgot where he lives.

“I’m angry,” said fellow protestor Steve Everyman (no relation), who held a sign with the words I’m STILL mad about Attack of the Clones scrawled across the front. “But I’m always angry about something.”

“The government shouldn’t be in the business of creating jobs,” added Mary Benefits, a Department of Health and Human Services employee who took the day off to join the protest.

Others were more philosophical.

“It’s quite fascinating,” said William Hubris, chairman of Leyman-Sax, an insider trading firm on Wall Street in New York. “They’re like ants, all scurrying about, so self-important in their tiny, little, meaningless world.”

Hubris, watching the rally from his penthouse office on a giant screen that shows him anything he wants to see, added, “If only they knew I could smash their pathetic little ant-farm of a world on a whim. It’s only through my benevolence and generosity that I allow them to eek out even one more miserable and pointless day of existence.”

The Obama administration said it is taking steps to return the misplaced jobs to their rightful owners.

“People need to be patient,” advised Press Secretary Gibbs. “There are going to be looooong lines.”

The White House said it expects most, if not all, jobs to be returned by 2014.

One Response to “Breaking News: Jobless rate plunges!”

  1. Tom Wescoe said

    Boehner and Hubris appeared on the Daily show to comment on the squalor being raised by the public in reaction to the jobs loss scandal. If the public would engage in serious thought and focus on absorbing work like “political science” by Randy Newman where in he states:
    “Asia’s crowded, Europe’s too old, Africa’s far too hot, Canada’s too cold, South America stold our name so let’s drop the big one – there’ll be no one left to blame us”
    they may begin to develop some insight as to how uterally meaningless their insignificant left wing lives are.
    Hubris laughed: “you go boy” while stroking boehner in friendship.
    Daily responded: settle down”

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