Transmissions from the alternate universe

Breaking News: Obama quits!

Posted by oldancestor on April 16, 2010


By Eric J. Baker


WASHINGTON – President Obama stunned the nation today by announcing his resignation less than halfway into his four-year term, to begin training for the 2011 Summer X Games, an international competition that awards medals in mountain-biking, skateboarding, surfing, and other so-called “extreme” sports. The President, an avid skateboarder, says he intends to compete for gold in the half-pipe.

Citing accomplishments such as the passage of the Health Care bill, a long-desired goal of the Democratic Party, the President said at a press conference this morning, “I did what I came to do and am ready for a new challenge.” He went on to say, “Look. I’m sorry if I’ve disappointed the American people, but I am certain Vice President Biden will serve admirably in my place.”

Biden, who shared the podium in the White House press room with President Obama, said, “This is a big f*cking deal.”

Reaction on Capital Hill was mixed. Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, a Democrat who ran for president in 2004, said, “From a socio-political standpoint, this speaks to the concerns over redistribution of wealth vis-à-vis original arguments pertaining to term limits prior to my serving in the Vietnam War.” Kerry continued to answer for several hours, in what many are calling the first spontaneous filibuster in Senate history.

Kerry’s Republican counterpart, recently elected Senator Scott Brown, responded by saying, “I drive a truck.”

When asked what he thought of Obama’s unexpected decision, Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner said, “No.”

Newt Gingrich, Speaker of the House of Representatives during the latter years of the Clinton administration and now a political pundit, sought to distance himself from controversial comments he made during a speech last week, when he referred to President Obama as “radical.”

“I simply meant that he has mad skilz,” said Gingrich after hearing of the President’s pending resignation and future plans. “I look forward to seeing him school the competition in half pipe.”

He later modified his statement, adding, “Fo shizzle.”

Not all conservative commentators were so forgiving. Sarah Palin, former vice-presidential candidate and now symbolic figurehead of the Tea Party movement, said, “How typically hopey-changey of this man. He gets himself elected, spending countless taxpayer dollars – taxpayers like you and me – and then he goes and quits half way though his first term.” After glancing at her palm, Palin said, “Is that the kind of leadership we want in Washington? Heck No!”

Joe Ecks, founder of the X-treme Sports Federation and distributor of the popular Oh Sh*t, it’s a Compound Fracture DVD series, welcomed the President’s move. “This will bring an un-presidented level of exposure to extreme sports. Heh heh. Un-presidented. Get it?”

He went on to say, “What? That was funny.”

Other presidents resigning mid-term include Teddy Roosevelt, who quit so he could pose for Mount Rushmore sculptor Gutzon Borglum, and Richard M. Nixon, who pursued a successful acting career. He went on to star in the hit TV series Miami Vice and the sci-fi film Kingdom of the Spiders, alongside William Shatner.

No word yet on when the transition to a Biden administration will begin.

Note: This corrects an earlier version, which referred to the “X-treme Sports Federation” as “Ecks’ Stream Sports Federation,” the organization’s original name, which was changed after a staffer put two and two together and said, “Duh.”


One Response to “Breaking News: Obama quits!”

  1. jeanie said

    Do they let people in the X games that aren’t even US citizens?

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