Dracuquake Levels Cleveland!

By Lacy Thundercake

This map of Cleveland shows six concentric circles, which the city’s mayor wants to reduce to a more manageable three by 2016.

CLEVELAND – With the east coast still in the grips of an 800-mile-wide Frankenstorm, our nation was dealt a further blow tonight when Cleveland, Ohio suffered a Dracuquake measuring 7.5 on the Richter scale. The extent of the damage is not yet known, but authorities are hoping the quake will be killed when the sun rises tomorrow morning.

At a televised press conference that concluded a short time ago, Cleveland mayor Jonathan Harker implored residents to stay out of damaged buildings and to wait calmly for Red Cross personnel to deliver “food, blankets, water, and garlic.”

It is not known what effect a red cross with arms of equal length will have on the Dracuquake.

Harker also advised Clevelanders to tune into The Weather Channel for further updates. “I know this is more of a geological event than a metrological one,” the mayor said, “but I get kickbacks every time I mention them and need money for attack ads.”

The Anvil contacted Weather Channel spokesperson Judy Drench for a response to Harker’s comments.

“A Dracuquake is too weather,” she said. “If it happens outside, it’s weather. Well, a football game isn’t weather I suppose, but we’re not a sports channel, so I can’t comment on that.”

When asked for a response both to the mayor’s comments and Drench’s subsequent response, meteorologist and frequent Anvil contributor Pinky Middleton said he didn’t know why those who study weather are called meteorologists.

“I got into this [expletive deleted] to look at space rocks,” he explained. “Excuse me for using logic. I guess I should have signed up for ‘cloudology.’ I’d probably be on my way to the asteroid belt right now with a fat NASA paycheck, a badass spacesuit, and more chicks than I can handle.”

Middleton did warn east coasters to be on the lookout for Were-nados, which are often spawned by Frankenstorms.

“Those things can get pretty hairy,” he said.

In other natural disaster-related news, scientists in Washington State are currently monitoring seismic activity at Mount St. Helens, site of a massive explosion in 1980 that destroyed hundreds of homes and leveled miles of forest. No one from the Weather Channel was willing to comment, but sources say experts fear a Creature From the Black Lagooncanic eruption on the magnitude of the Mount Pinatubo blast that rocked the Philippines in 1991.

Florida preacher burns Richard Dawkins book; atheists rampage

By Eric J Baker

All Richard Dawkins readers are vampires.

GATORBAG, FL – A pastor from an evangelical church near Gainesville, Florida burned a copy of the Richard Dawkins book DNA for Dummies (i.e. You) this weekend, causing millions of his atheist followers across the country to go on a mad rampage, storming supermarkets, car dealerships, restaurants, and other places of business with one thing on their minds: Revenge.

Witnesses say the atheists bought items and ordered meals during the melee. Thousands of cars were test driven by them on Saturday, with at least 75 drives resulting in purchases, though officials expect the sales toll to rise.

“We’re out of stock on a few things,” said beleaguered shop owner Pinky Middleton of Atlanta, whose inventory was reduced by the attack. “Greek yogurt was on sale, so naturally, we ran out.”

When asked why he burned Dawkins’ book on evolutionary biology, considered by many to be one of hundreds on the market, the controversial Reverend Josephus Crunky said, “I hated Family Feud when he was the host. 1976 to 1985 were dark times indeed.”

Neither Richard Dawkins, the book’s author, or Richard Dawson, former host of the Family Feud, could be reached for comment, but historian and expert on British people called Richard, Sir Edmund Bollocks, said, “Those two chaps, plus King Richard III, complete the perfect trifecta of utterly unrelated Richards.”

Few of the crazed nonbelievers involved in the attack were willing to go on record, though one man, who identified himself only by his first name, Dracula, said, “Richard Dawkins’ book improved the quality of my life. Once he convinced me to give up religion, crosses no longer burned my flesh. I simply stopped thinking they could hurt me, like in that Wild West episode of Star Trek with the phantom bullets. From the third season.”

He also said, “I became a vegetarian as well, so steak couldn’t damage my heart. Get it? Stake. Steak. Hello? Is this thing on? Woo. Tough crowd.”

The incident was not the only controversial book burning to take place in Florida this week. On Friday, another preacher, Reverend Skippy Flintspark of Tallahassee, set ablaze the space alien holy book, To Serve Man, while his congregation looked on. In response, angry aliens sent an armada of star cruisers to Earth, vaporizing Washington DC and New York City.

Yet another preacher, Reverend Jesse Jackson, attempted to broker peace between humans and the aliens by saying of To Serve Man, “It’s a cookbook!”

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 Greetings, Anvil readers! When you have a minute, please go check out my guest post on LA filmmaker and entertainment writer James Killough’s blog Pure Film Creative . Fair warning to people with PG-13 tastes: James’ blog is not for people who offend easily, and you’re going to see a very different side of my writing.

Peace.