Jan Brewer set to play “Leatherface” in Texas Chainsaw Massacre reboot

By Lacy Thundercake

“Don’t make me cut you!” says Brewer, rehearsing her lines. Or not.

LOS ANGELES – In a shocking move, film studio Lionsgate has cast fiery Arizona governor Jan Brewer as the chainsaw-wielding maniac “Leatherface” in the upcoming horror reboot, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. This is the first time a woman has played the iconic role in any of the five films in the series, dating back to 1974.

“We couldn’t be more proud of the governor,” said Brewer’s spokesperson Lefty Enright at this afternoon’s press conference to announce the casting. “The way she has hacked away at civil rights for Hispanic people and eviscerated the idea of health benefits for same-sex couples proves that she knows how to lash out in a clumsy, brutal fashion, just like a crazed killer who skins people alive and makes clothes out of them.”

Enright denies that Brewer was chosen for the part because of her weather-beaten, craggy appearance.

“What’s a sister gonna do? She lives in the desert.”

The film’s director, Pinky Middleton, said he chose the governor because he is a supporter of women’s rights and wanted to make a statement.

“Janice has proven that a woman can be just as nasty and hateful as a man. I hope, by giving her this role, I can shift the landscape of our society’s perceptions in a way that only art can.”

He also said, “I can’t wait to see her cut a dumb teenager in half.”

In other governor-related film-casting news, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has recently signed on to play the part of a bitter, angry, emotionally stunted man who is shouts people down and calls them idiots when they ask him questions he dislikes. Until his rage boils over and pushes his blood pressure into the red, causing a heart attack.

Set in 2013, the film is tentatively being called, “The Chris Christie Story.”

Arizona’s tough new anti-zombie law raises questions

Zombies: US citizens or domestic terrorists?

 

By Eric J Baker

Constitutional conundrum: Should zombies be allowed to vote?

PHOENIX – In response to the Zombie Apocalypse that’s rapidly sweeping the world, Arizona’s legislature passed a harsh new anti-zombie law this week, despite a harsh law in place that prevents the passage of harsh laws.

“Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Arizona governor Jan Brewer said last night on CNN’s Larry King Live, though it is not known if she was referring to the passage of the new law or quoting the character Jafar from Aladdin.

She also said, “Throw me the lamp!”

As promised by the governor, the new law contains a provision allowing armed citizens to kill zombies on sight. Previously, only law-enforcement personnel, national guardsmen, and paid government militia members were permitted to shoot the walking dead. But it’s other components of the legislation that have stirred debate and stoked controversy.

Businesses can now be fined for using zombie labor, and people who keep undead relatives locked up rather than turning them over to the authorities will risk jail time. Zombies of illegal immigrants can either be shot or deported.

“This is just another way for the government to curtail our civil liberties,” says Paul Naschy, whose uncle Jacinto Molina, a zombie, was living in a cage in the back yard. Until the police shot Molina and took away the body.

“I don’t know what’s worse,” Naschy laments, “The zombies or the socialists.”

Zombie rights groups oppose the new law and vow to take the state of Arizona to court.

“Zombies are US citizens, just like you and me,” says Patchouli Johnson of Zombies Are People (ZAP), a not-for-profit organization. “Why are they being treated like intruders? The government took away their unemployment checks, even though we know no one will hire a zombie, and now they’re being exterminated like mosquitoes. Where’s the compassion?”

Legal experts say there is a distinction between zombies and humans. It just hasn’t been established yet.

“Technically, it’s hard to prove a zombie isn’t the same person he was when alive,” explains Harvard law professor Nadine Pencilwacker. “Same finger prints, same retina pattern. Still moving. And the legal world doesn’t account for such a thing as a ‘soul.’ On the other hand, these creatures are ravenous cannibals. But can they be charged with a crime? Are they legally insane? There are so many layers.”

Pencilwacker went on to say, “Aaaaaaah! Help! Oh God, they’re killing meeee….” while being overrun by a horde of walking corpses during our interview.

Unlike with the anti-immigrant legislation Governor Brewer signed into law in April, the Obama administration has had little to say about Arizona’s stance toward the undead. Some believe President Obama is attempting to appear more centrist after spending nearly two years dealing with divisive issues like heath care reform, bank bailouts, and unemployment. Since polls show an overwhelming majority of Americans support the right to shoot zombies, it might be wise for the President to stay above the fray as the 2010 midterms approach.

With regard to his 2012 reelection effort, Obama can only hope the undead kill and eat more Republicans than Democrats between now and then. Zombies may not have the right to vote (yet), but they can still affect the outcome of elections.

Arizona passes harsh ‘anti-harsh law’ law

MCCAIN PROPOSES PUTTING JAPANESE IN INTERMENT CAMPS

 

By Eric J Baker

 

PHOENIX – In response to recent controversy over the state’s harsh anti-immigration law, Arizona lawmakers have passed tough new legislation that prevents further passage of tough new legislation in the state.

“This ought to put a stop to the nonsense,” said Governor Jan Brewer at a press conference in Phoenix yesterday. “Any state legislator who tries to make Arizona look intolerant and fascistic to the rest of the country will be taken outside and shot in the back of the head, no questions asked.”

However, a provision of the law allows for the accused party to challenge his accuser to a gun duel in the streets.

Proponents are hailing the return of frontier justice.

Said Tombstone Mayor Ashleigh Clanton, “Arizona was founded on people killing people without due process, and it’s high time we got back to that.”

Invoking executive privilege, Clanton ordered the city’s streets unpaved and the police to abandon DNA testing and computer databases in favor of tacking up wanted posters. Local officials who had hoped to overturn the ruling were killed by Clanton’s gang in a gunfight at the OK Corral late last night.

An eyewitness from Florida, believing the shootout was a tourist attraction, said, “The animatronics were ‘meh.’”

In Washington, President Obama praised Arizona’s newest new legislation.

“The only way to defeat a draconian law is with an even bigger draconian law,” said the President. “Somehow, out of all this mess, I hope, someone, somewhere, will benefit. A regular person, though. Not a big, greedy bank.”

Arizona Senator John McCain called his own press conference for noon yesterday, showing up in the early evening after driving around lost and befuddled for several hours, convinced he was going to a convenience store to buy milk.

“My friends, enacting laws on top of laws on top of laws isn’t going to solve the problems of illegal immigration,” said the Republican Senator, who has stoked controversy many times in his political career for taking stances unpopular with conservative voters.

He went on to say, “It’s the Japs. You don’t know which ones you can trust. We’ve got to round them up so we can keep an eye on them.”

After the senator shouted “incoming,” and dove under the stage, McCain’s daughter Meghan stepped to the podium and answered questions. Several male reporters in the room were believed to have thought, va voom!

“I think Senator McCain is right,” said Arizona resident and third-generation Hispanic-American John Ramirez. “It’s the Japs.”

As violence spilled onto the streets of Arizona cities and hundreds were killed in shootouts, the entertainment industry was quick to sit up and take notice. Production is already underway on volumes one through three of the DVD series Girls Gone Violent, which will feature drunken college girls engaging in gun duels while topless.

Tom Bergeron, host of the hit reality television show America’s Funniest Legislation said, “Keep passing those laws, Arizona. You could win ten or even a hundred-thousand dollars!”         

In international news, Mexican lawmakers have proposed building a security fence along the border between Mexico and Arizona to block the expected flood of refugees.